Fannie Lou Hamer surely hit the nail on the head when she declared, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” As a self-described sports connoisseur, I’m personally sick and tired of the lack of respect given to the intellectual prowess and model behavior of many college athletes. Year after year, they exercise sound judgment and flaunt an amazing mastery of those skills that will make them consummate professionals.

A university School of Athletics, of course! It’s not a new idea. The late former chancellor of Vanderbilt University proposed such a semiprofessional sports school in his memoir, “Purely Academic” (Vanderbilt University Press, 1978). William H. Honan renewed the call this summer in a New York Times article entitled “On Campus, It’s Not A Game” (August 16, 2000).  Now, I’m challenging those athletic powerhouses to implement a semiprofessional sports school at their respective universities. It’s not like they have to spend a whole lot of time and money designing the curriculum. I’ll do that for them. Below are the core courses guaranteed to ensure winning programs and stellar professional sports careers for their athletes.

Using the case study method, this course will examine the use of legal and ethical ways to pay the least amount of money possible for highly valuable merchandise. Former Florida State University star wide receiver Peter Warrick could be featured as a guest lecturer, speaking on the topic “Doesn’t It Feel Good To Pay Less?” Warrick could disclose the strategies he used to pay $21 for more than $400 worth of clothing from a Florida Dillard’s department store. As a bonus, he could provide explicit guidance on how to persuade a prosecutor to drop felony charges to a misdemeanor.

Who other than the esteemed Knight (oops, that’s Coach Knight or Mr. Knight) to teach this seminar?

Highly regarded conformists Latrell Sprewell and Rasheed Wallace could assist Coach Knight with this demonstration course.

This course could use a primer authored by Khalid El-Amin, former University of Connecticut standout guard and devout Muslim, who has an illegitimate child and was arrested for marijuana possession the day after being honored by his hometown of Minneapolis for leading the Huskies to the 1999 NCAA crown. Student-athletes enrolled in this course will write a personal mission statement. They will be expected to publicly act in contravention of those statements by the end of the semester. Grades will be awarded based upon originality and outrageousness of the public acts.

Clem Haskins, ousted University of Minnesota basketball coach, could teach this intensive course aimed at evaluating the athletic department’s tutors. All student-athletes will be expected to provide the paid tutors for the athletics department with their course syllabi to ensure that all papers and other homework assignments are completed on a timely basis. Any work actually completed by the student-athlete as required by the university’s honor code will receive a failing grade. Remember: this course is designed to teach student-athletes the art of delegation.

A star-studded cadre of former athletes, all point-shaving enthusiasts, from Northwestern University, Arizona State, Tulane and Boston College, could alternate teaching this course. Students will be presented with an ethical dilemma – throw one game for an untraceable, one-time, cash payment of $5,000. Any student unwilling to take advantage of this opportunity will be subject to an investigation by the NCAA. Beware: any student who does opt for the cash payment will also be subject to an investigation by the NCAA. The NCAA – that anachronistic monster – must stay in business somehow.

Lawrence Philips, much maligned former Nebraska Cornhusker running back, could be the marquee instructor for this course. Notorious for allegedly “putting his hands” on women as a student-athlete and as a professional, Philips has a rap sheet as long as the Mississippi River. How many people can be arrested three times and serve 23 days in jail in nineteen months all the while playing in 25 NFL games? Philips did so while a St. Louis Ram during the 1996-97 season. Be prepared – this course will require weekly trips to the local pokey to interview hometown wife beaters.

No one is more qualified than former Florida State kicker Sebastian Janikowski, first round draft pick of the bad boys, Oakland Raiders, to teach this course. Janikowski’s credentials include a no contest plea to “failing to leave the property” of a Florida bar in August 1998, a no contest plea to underage drinking in February 1999, and an arrest this past June for felony possession of GHB – the date rape drug. Professor Janikowski’s repeated run-ins with the law do not mean certain failure. On the contrary, only in America could such an individual become a millionaire. Janikowski’s five-year contract with the Raiders is worth $6.05 million. So, take careful notes in this important course.

September 2000