Major holidays, including Father’s Day, can be complicated occasions to celebrate. While some may experience joy, honoring the amazing fathers in their lives, some may be navigating a range of emotions. The feeling of grief is common on holidays celebrating a parent, with some lamenting the brief time they have with their fathers given Black men’s low life expectancy. Others may carry the pain of longing to have known a storybook father like the one they grew up watching on television. 

And yet this particular Father’s Day comes on the heels of several high-profile tragedies, events that forever altered the fabric of both families and communities. It may have also created an emotionally taxing landscape for those eager to celebrate their own fathers. Such pain caused to our collective Black family requires healing and an acknowledgment of the longing many of us have within our homes when there’s absence or loss. 

Although ESSENCE is geared toward Black women, there are nuances in feelings based on intersecting identities, perspectives I would never be able to take on my own. For this Father’s Day edition of Therapy IRL, then, I wanted to extend to our village of readers a therapeutic approach to some of the emotional injury that still may be coursing through our collective psyche from several vantage points. Here are some practical ways to redress the injuries our hearts and communities may be facing through the advice of people who think about Black fathers and men often. 

How do we help Black boys to be more positive and present? Carlton Champian, author of Notes to my Father Substack, sheds light about challenges facing Black boys. As Black boys are now readily able to compare their relationships to a number of other families through social or traditional media, it’s important to share with them truth grounded in reality. Not all families look alike, and, while Black fathers have a lower likelihood of residing in the home, they have some of the highest rates of responsiveness and connectivity to their children. Such longing, therefore, should be couched in what is readily available in their relationships and not what’s missing. How might they take advantage of the time they do have with their father may be a central point of family discussions and planning. Finally, knowing that Black boys bear witness to the reality of the news and constant posturing happening online, how can we help them see themselves more positively today while reflecting back the possibility of what they can be in the future? Encouraging emotionally attuned, communicative, and supportive boys now may contribute to healthy, happy, and whole individuals and relationships we hope for them in the future. 

What does psychological and physical safety look like in our homes? Deaweh Benson, a researcher of family and extended relationships of youth and violence exposure, reminds us to turn to bell hooks who wrote in All About Love, “We like to imagine that most children will be born into homes where they will be loved. But love will not be present if the grown-ups who parent do not know how to love.” We need to invite a radical re-imagination of this safety and love. You might ask yourself, what would it look like for us to serve as a beautiful expression of our unique selfhood instead of the key ingredient for the recipe of violence we perpetuate and/or endure? While a tough pill to swallow, Benson invites us to do the work within ourselves and our homes to ensure that we model and maintain wellness for all to see, including partners, fathers, and children. 

What does healing look like? Alvin Thomas, Ph.D. provides insights with guests on The Black Father’s Pulse Podcast regarding strategies for healing. That includes acknowledging and  understanding that relationships between parents and children may be different and knowing that giving children the runway to develop their own relationships, especially in adulthood, is essential. Thomas advocates that fatherhood is time travel: we get to shape generations we will never see, and one of the most powerful tools is the example of our own lives. His thoughts on his Substack, The Fatherhood Depot, encourage fathers to invest in healing themselves, knowing that the pain of their unhealed issues will be a legacy that they bequeath to their children and grandchildren. Benson additionally notes that there’s no one right textbook answer on what healing looks like. Science has long failed to prioritize investigating tough questions that would shed light on what healing would resemble in Black communities burdened with interlocking systems of oppression. And yet, the scientific and personal evidence we do have, including collective wisdom, allows us to offer care, affection, recognition, commitment, trust, and honest communication for the betterment of one’s own or another’s holistic growth. It may sound cliched, but the first step is just acknowledging that healing is needed. Your family can then determine the best solution, whether it be therapy, reconciliation, mediation, or holistic strategies.

This June, celebrating the men in our lives may include joy and recognition of the amazing contributions they have made to our growth, families, and communities. For those who feel more complicated emotions during this holiday, know that we see you, love you, and wish for healing to be in your heart and mind. We are a collective family that can support you on your journey to wellness, but it is the accountability we have for ourselves and each other that will help us to navigate these tough times—together. 

Note: This piece is dedicated to: Cerina Fairfax, DDS, Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer, and eight children; Jayla Elkins, Shayla Elkins, Kayla Pugh, Layla Pugh Mar’Kaydon Pugh, Sariahh Snow, Kheddarrion Snow, Braylon Snow, and Mar’Kaydon Pugh.

Riana Elyse Anderson, PhD, LCP, is a licensed clinical and community psychologist, associate professor at Columbia University’s School of Social Work, and affiliate with Harvard’s Hutchins Center for African & African American Research and FXB Center for Health and Human Rights. She is a Public Voices Fellow of The OpEd Project in Partnership with National Black Child Development Institute.

Author: Riana Elyse Anderson, PhD, LCP

Read the original article on Essence.