If you’re lucky, you’ve been through life without a single heartbreak. Most of us won’t be that lucky because pain is a part of the human experience. When going through romantic heartbreak, in particular, it can be debilitating. So much so that science finds the pain we feel is similar to experiencing a physical injury. That’s right—your heart can’t tell the difference between a broken leg and a broken heart. 

Nursing a broken heart back to health takes time. The process looks different for each person but some commonalities include self reflection, oscillating between the five stages of grief, and self-care. The support of a loving community is also an essential way to fast-track your healing. 

Singer Serayah McNeill is assumed to be at the starting line when it comes to nursing her broken heart back to health. The 30-year-old was transparent about what she’d been through, sharing her situation on the internet, pouring her anger and palpable disappointment into a series of Instagram stories. She then shared a polished statement formally announcing her breakup from rapper Joey Bada$$ due to cheating, among other things.

The statement wasn’t the grand finale, though. The actress reposted a story, which included a cake with the words “F–k that n—a” written across it. The cake came from a girlfriend alongside flowers and a room full of balloons. Said friend also made a statement that is food for thought in the original Instagram story post: “It’s actually a celebration because thank you for releasing my friend into something better.” 

I applaud McNeill’s friends for showing up during one of her darkest chapters and enveloping her in love. Her friend may (hopefully) be right: This breakup could lead to something much better. But I worry about putting too much focus on “better” before taking some time to sit with the now. That’s often a form of toxic positivity. 

Many of us weren’t taught how to face the boogeyman known as heartbreak head-on. Instead, we were taught suppression, avoidance, or dissociation. So instead of sitting with the grief, we numb ourselves with a person, place, or thing. While distracting yourself and compartmentalizing have their place, avoiding pain post-breakup often puts you on the long road to healing. 

I think it’s also important to be mindful of what your loved one needs during a breakup. As girls in particular, we can be quick to trash the ex and romanticize the elusive future partner who will treat our loved one better, justifying past pain. Sometimes, we do that because we can’t stand to see them hurting. But that relentless, crushing pain could be the very thing they need to release the situation, grow, and move forward. 

Let’s say a celebration is what your friend needs right after a breakup. In that case, I think it’s best to decenter the man. The message on the cake detracted from the celebration of McNeill’s freedom. Instead, it centered Joey and his hurtful behavior. In my opinion, that’s counterproductive. While anger is justified in the way he is alleged to have treated her, he is still the father of her son. It’s not wise to pour gasoline into an already raging fire when two people have to co-parent. At the bare minimum, trash talk frelly in private and don’t make the cake a social media moment. 

She was with this man for three years. He’s the father of her first child, and they were engaged to be married. After the cake is cut and consumed and the flowers die, she still has to grieve the ending of the life she was building with him. 

That said, we can’t tell anyone how to heal. And only McNeill knows what she needs most right now.

But to be clear, I support a celebration, especially when you make it out of a toxic relationship. I just think it’s better served when you’ve done the healing work and are on the other side of the heartbreak.

Author: Elizabeth Ayoola

Read the original article on Essence.