Fatherhood has become one of the defining parts of John Gaines‘ life. While many people know him as a highly regarded fitness coach, much of his focus today revolves around raising his daughter and being present for the moments that matter. The lessons he teaches, the routines he follows, and even many of his professional decisions are filtered through the lens of parenthood.

Over the past several years, Gaines has increased his entrepreneurial endeavors, but much of what drives him career-wise is tied to the example he hopes to set at home. Whether he’s leading a workout, building a business, or partnering with brands, he often finds himself thinking about the lessons his daughter is absorbing in real time. “Fatherhood is going to expose everything about you, force you to go to learn more about yourself, your insecurities, your lack of knowledge or any area that you feel like you’re even hiding from yourself sometimes,” he said. “Kids are going to bring that out—and every level that they grow, it exposes you to a new level of yourself.”

I caught up with Gaines shortly after a Father’s Day gathering he hosted in Downtown Los Angeles alongside Crowned Skin. Held at Javier’s restaurant, the event brought together fathers from different walks of life for an afternoon focused on conversation, fellowship, and community. Gaines wanted to create “a no pressure situation,” and something many dads rarely receive: a space where they could simply relax and connect with one another.

During our conversation, Gaines spoke about the challenges of parenting in public, what he’s learned from watching his daughter grow, and why talking to other fathers remains one of the most valuable resources a man can have.

ESSENCE: I’ve been seeing the social clips of your fatherhood event. How did that come together, brother? 

John Gaines: Yeah, it was amazing. My team and Crowned Skin partnered to create a safe space. I wanted to make sure that it was something that looked good and there was effort put into it as well. I feel like we see so much celebration and dinners and things for Mother’s Day. You can go to a brunch, you can go to every restaurant, but you don’t really see too many for Father’s Day, to be honest. So I just wanted to create that space man and just have somewhere for the fellas to come together and just chop it up, honestly.

So as a father, what has been the most rewarding part of raising your daughter so far?

For me, the most rewarding thing has been watching my daughter grow and learning how she perceives the world. And then it’s always a check to me as a father to know how I’m impacting her as well. The way she perceives things and learns things, the questions she asks, it challenges me to also make sure I’m on my game because I got to be able to answer them. So my answers kind of control how she thinks. So I got to make sure I’m on point.

How do you think fatherhood has changed the way you approach your career and the things that you do in business?

Career-wise, I think fatherhood is just another battery pack. It’s an extra layer. There’s a lot more. You’re thinking about legacy, you’re thinking about creating something also that your children will be proud of. In entrepreneurship, I think about things like that, things that she can continue or be impacted by. So it’s more than just going to work. It’s “what am I preparing for you as well?” Or doing things that she could say, “My daddy does this,” or just making her proud. So it’s a big driving factor behind the things that I do. 

Speaking of that—your daughter, she is a superstar in the making.

Very much so. (Laughs.)

I saw your Old Navy social video. During it, you said something really poignant. You said that your kids learn more from seeing what you do than what you say. Talk to me about that and what type of example are you trying to set for your daughter, as well as other kids, too?

Absolutely. Living more of an active lifestyle, I noticed she would just get down and start doing some pushups or sit-ups or trying her squats. I run a camp for women as well called Project Blue Camp. And so I’ll bring her to class with me. And even though sometimes she’s just off to the side on her iPad, she’ll come up and want to blow the whistle or I’ll have her break it down. My business partner has a daughter as well, so our daughters are there seeing women in those spaces. And the things that she’s soaking up are crazy. So that’s little Coach Gaines right there for real. She got it in her. So just from her watching the things that I’ve done, I didn’t have to tell her. A lot of times in the mornings we’ll get up, we’ll do some sit-ups and some pushups and some squats or some of the YouTube videos that are a little more active just to get her moving, but she wants to do them now because these are things that she sees me do instead of just me telling her. 

What are some lessons that fatherhood taught you that you didn’t fully understand before having a child? 

I think it’s a different level of accountability. And again, to yourself, I think the greatest thing you can do as a father is to be the best version of you. The toughest thing is that first day home, there’s no rule book. They really just send you home from the hospital. So it’s like situations like that and every level brings a new challenge. So it really just forces you to be able to adapt, to be able to pivot. Also, you really don’t know what’s going to come next and every child is different too. It just forces you to be able to adapt, to be able to grow and just be the best version of yourself. 

How do you feel about being a girl dad and what has this experience been like for you?

I believe they’re very different and I would think I would even approach them differently. I do only have a girl, so that’s my only experience. But man, it softens you. You have to be. When a girl is growing up, there’s things that you can’t even speak to or don’t understand as a man. So you’re learning with her as well. Yeah, I think there’s a different level of care naturally for a girl, but also on the other side, that love that you get from your daughter, it’s nothing like it. It’s just she sees you as just a big figure and the strongest person in the world and super dad and all these things, hearing those affirmations, it really makes you feel like that and they’re so genuine and pure. So I think having a girl is different, but it’s also the biggest blessing.

Going back to your daughter, I know some parents try to keep their children away from the spotlight in one instance, but then sometimes that some children are just extroverted like that. When did you realize that your daughter had a big personality?

Early, very early. Yeah, she’s definitely not shying away from the spotlight. And that as a father, of course, a girl dad, I’m naturally so protective and security-minded. So we really try to find a balance between what we expose her to and her just being able to be a kid. So yeah, that’s the ongoing thing because the older she gets and the more she wants to do, you also don’t want to stop her from being able to explore these things, but I also want to protect her from the world. Obviously you can’t, but so navigating social media and the things that we choose to post of her and all those things are factors. It is definitely an extra layer of parenthood that we have to navigate because you just can’t deny that people are gravitated to her and she wants to do these things. So it’s being supportive of what she wants, but also being protective at the same time. It’s a big challenge. 

In this instance, how do you decide what may be too much, and what would be too little?

Me and her mom definitely communicate on anything that we do. She’s seen those videos before I posted, before I even sent it to the brand, you know what I mean? So it’s just constant communication there. And then a big thing for me is I don’t want it to be a requirement. So if a brand tries to come to me to work with us together, it’s like, okay, dealing with a five-year-old, you never really know how it’s going to go. One day we might be cool to shoot. One day she might be like, “Not today,” and I’m not going to force it. I don’t want to be in a position where we’re forcing her to do anything. So that’s one thing we’ve communicated as parents is if she wants to go for it, we’re going to support her. But if she gets to a point where she’s like, “nah, I’m not rocking with this,” it’s cool because it’s not necessary. We’re working to where she doesn’t have to do it, but if she wants to, she’s in a position where we can support that. 

I think it’s really important that brothers like you are showing that not only are we present, but we’re active in the lives of our children. Why do you think showing Black fatherhood is important?

I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a lot of good brothers that are very present and I think that’s what I attract as well. So even at the dinner that we had, all these brothers I’ve seen operate in fatherhood and I’ve been inspired by in one capacity or another, there’s different levels. Some guys have daughters or sons that are in their twenties all the way to somebody that is having their first kid in the next couple weeks. So it was a good range, but I think it’s important to put it on display. Going back to the security thing, I try to control how much I post with my daughter. But I don’t want it to be a thing where every post is me and her and then there becomes an expectation, which is very easy to fall into on social media. But then when I’m outside and fathers, new, old are coming to me, they’re like, “Yo, I really respect what you’re doing. I love the way you show up and father, your daughter, and I’m inspired by this.” I get that a lot. So I know there’s a need for it and then there’s a battle between fulfilling that need for everyone else, but also being protective of my family. So, I’m still navigating it and figuring it out. I think I’m doing pretty good. It’s working right now and I’m going to continue to do it the best I can.

You can read all the books, watch all the YouTube videos and all the tutorials and clips, but there’s no, as you said earlier, no rule book for parenthood.

None.

But, if you could give a young brother that’s about to be a father, what advice would you give them?

I think the best advice I can give to a young father is to speak to other fathers. I think that for one, fatherhood puts a lot of pressure on you. There’s pressure being a man, a Black man in general, but now oftentimes that pressure is even more internalized because you don’t want to put your burdens on your kid or on your family. You know what I mean? So now, you really carry even more of the load oftentimes. So I think by being able to talk to other fathers, you’ll realize that a lot of guys have been through the same thing. In whatever capacity, it could be on different levels, but when it comes to the children, fatherhood is the great equalizer. I don’t care if you got a million in the bank or $10 in the bank, your kid’s still crying. You’re stressed, you got to get up, you got to change his diaper or whatever the case may be, but it’s the great equalizer. 

I’ve had so many conversations with people that we have nothing in common, but we found out we have kids, it’s a dap up, it’s a different look. There’s always something to talk about. I think I encourage young brothers and young fathers to just speak to other fathers and ask questions.

Final question—what’s an ideal Father’s Day gift, man? I know they try to give y’all socks and ties and little stuff like that.

(Laughs.) Ideal Father’s Day gift? Man, I got it. Some smell good and some love from my daughter. Speaking to the dinner last night, Crowned Skin gifted all the fellas with a full setup of their whole line, the body butters, body oils, and colognes. So everyone was appreciative of that. It smells great. I think just getting love and having a little time to just let your guard down. That’s it. And that’s really what I wanted to create yesterday, a low pressure situation where the fellas could all be together. It’s relatable and we can just have a good time.

Read the original article on Essence.