I’m giving him a timeout By Kara Stevens ·Updated February 11, 2026 /> Getting your Trinity Audio player ready…

Black women know how to love. And we love to love.

But as we tread the violent swings of an economic pendulum that casts us as proverbial canaries in the coal mines at work—and chief breadwinners and emotional caregivers at home—we know that conversations about love, and healthy and sustainable love at that, cannot happen without conversations about money.

When money conversations are absent, our safety, our stability, and the balance of labor in a relationship are put at risk. That includes conversations about debt, financial habits, and yes, credit scores. So when we date, we’re evaluating chemistry and financial alignment.

Just ask Lynn Jackson.

When Love and Money Don’t Align

When Jackson, a real estate agent from California, met a man who had left a career in finance to become a teacher, she was vested in where this relationship could go. On the surface, his choice seemed aligned with her values — a desire to design a life that served his soul. “It indicated such compassion to me, which I was attracted to,” she remembers.

But financial realities quickly added friction. He wasn’t earning much as a teacher, and past dating habits — spending heavily on a previous girlfriend — meant he wasn’t able to manage the basics, like qualifying for an apartment or courting Jackson the way he wanted to.  “While I am a real estate investor with apartments that I rent out, I knew mixing business with the relationship could be very detrimental,” Lynn reflects.

She couldn’t offer him one of her units, but supported him in another way: “I gave him access to my network and information to help improve his application,” she says. Still, there was a silent expectation that she would either bail him out or take the lead in finding him housing. And while the two of them didn’t break up over finances per se, their opposing mindsets around status and contentment did. “His ego and mindset made him resistant; hearing me talk about a life that could serve both his soul and his pocket was something he simply wasn’t ready to receive,” she says.

Jackson realized she almost got caught up in her desire to give and serve. “I laugh about it now. I knew that this would be a spiral I would be hard-pressed to get out of if I started.”

The Flags Aren’t Necessarily Greener on the Other Side

In conversations about dating and money, it’s tempting to assume the problem is gendered—that men simply aren’t doing the work. But single Black queer women, too, are fighting for their lives in these romantic and financial streets.

More than a decade ago, Crystle Johnson, a queer Black woman and founder of Kinory, a platform where Black women gather offline to find real connections over dinner, began dating a woman who, on paper, looked like a match. “She seemed to be making similar money as I was and had similar goals. Our credit scores were about the same,” Johnson recalls. “At the time, those details felt like markers of compatibility — things to notice, but not dwell on.”

Until money became an issue.

Shortly before they started dating, her partner had been preapproved for a mortgage. “On the surface, she seemed to have it all figured out, but what I didn’t know was that she was taking her bill money and spending it on me,”  recalls Johnson.  “I had no idea she was skipping out on her credit card bills, but it didn’t matter. She resented me, and we subsequently broke up.”

From that moment on, money stopped being a background detail and became an early conversation. “I need to understand where my partners are with money — from their debt, savings, assets, and plans,” she explains. “While it can be uncomfortable at first, my partners have respected the transparency.”

Financial Discernment Is Not Cruelty. It’s Compassion.

For Black women who did not grow up witnessing a healthy financial partnership, discerning what is right can feel unfamiliar.  And yet, discernment is not impossible. Francesca Walker, LMHC and founder of Lavender Leisure explains it is key to learn to distinguish between a rough financial season and long-term financial avoidance. “Someone in a rough patch can reflect on the actions and inactions that contributed to the situation, recognize the emotions those challenges activated, and articulate concrete, time-bound steps to move forward,” says Walker. Avoidance, on the other hand, drifts. It resists specificity, leans on blame, and often repeats itself. 

Many Black women also carry early lessons that love requires self-sacrifice, that safety demands overfunctioning, and that abandonment is always near. These patterns can show up in relationships as financial overfunctioning—covering for a partner, downplaying our own needs, or confusing em> Journey to Generational Wealth, offers guidance on financially-conscious singles: 

Watch for Early Warning Signs. Financial red flags often appear subtly before joint finances are even discussed. Avoidance of money conversations, repeated excuses, or joking about being “bad with money” without attempts to improve are all patterns to notice early. 

Pay Attention to Daily Money Habits. Before finances are shared, patterns show up in the small choices a partner makes daily.  Spending to impress while stressed, impulse purchases followed by regret, or treating credit as free money are indicators that money management may be a challenge. “Discipline,” Sanders notes, “often matters more than income.”

Ask Values-Based Questions. Evaluating a partner’s financial habits doesn’t require policing or judgment—it requires curiosity and dialogue. Ask questions that center on values and experiences, while sharing your own perspective first. For example:

“During my childhood, money looked like…what was it like in your household?”“Right now I’m working toward ___ financially. What are you currently working toward?”“To me, financial stability means ___; what does it mean to you?” If It Ain’t Intimate, We  Don’t Want It

Intimacy, for Black women, must be holistic if we want our relationships to thrive. We cannot separate conversations about money from the very people we hope to build families, dreams, and legacies with. 

So when we date, we are not just evaluating chemistry. We are extending an invitation: to deepen our connection not only with each other’s brilliance, but with each other’s shadows.  And if a relationship cannot hold that level of honesty — about love, about money, and the messy middle where they meet — then we don’t want it.

Kara Stevens, EdM is the founder of The Frugal Feminista and author of heal your relationship with money and Unmasking the Strong Black Woman. Connect with her on LinkedIn.

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